Birdie’s Back…
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Well, I’m back. I couldn’t stay away. There are too many thoughts running through my head, too many things I want to write about. I am finding that I need this outlet when I just need to talk about something without, well, actually talking  And yes, I know there are private journals for that, but it’s just not the same. |
So, I know why I’m starting again, but why did I stop? Pure and simple: pride. It became apparent to me when someone I only know by name came up to me and said “Hey, I just spent an hour reading your blog! Now I know everything about you!” In that instant, I felt just like I had been caught naked at school, just like in those dreams you hear about. I was completely unnerved. My inner voice was screaming “YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL!” I really had to reexamine why I blog. Suddenly, I no longer wanted to share my life online.
But at the same time, it seemed to be all about performance. “What if no one is reading? What if no one likes me? Why isn’t anyone commenting?” I stressed about whether I was good enough to write on MY OWN WEBSITE.
So there you go. The same force–pride–waging two opposite arguments in my mind. Pay attention to me leave me alone. Accept me, validate me, put me on a pedestal, but don’t you dare say you know me.
Perhaps pride is subconsciously urging me to blog again as well. I may always struggle with the need to be noticed and loved. It’s a basic part of my personality, and unsanctified, that part of me turns to other people for validation instead of the Lord. But I don’t want to let that stop me from doing something I like. It’s all part of the journey, and I intend to enjoy it.