Disney World can really screw with your mind.
I had a dream last night that really shook me up. In the dream, I had died. I don’t remember now how it happened. In order to get to whatever afterlife awaited me, I had to board this Disney-like ride that would carry me away in a little rail car. Talk about Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
Anyway, my husband took me to the desk to make my appointment–like a FastPass to heaven I guess–and then we had a little time before I had to leave. I was telling him to call this person and that person, notify my out-of-town friends, that kind of thing. Then I realized I had not given him any of the login information to our financial accounts. I was frantically trying to write all of it down, but my intellect was fading and I found I couldn’t spell anymore. It was literally a Back to the Future moment; I could see myself fading into a ghost-like state. So we sat down at a little diner table and I was able to tell him most of it.
Can you imagine spending your last moments in life trying to remember what your password is for your student loan?!?
In the dream, I felt immense regret–and fear. I was afraid of what God would show me of my life–all the things I had not done, all the people I had not touched in His name, all the unconfessed sin, all the unrepentant lifestyles. I was afraid I would get up there and God would relegate me to the lowest ranks in the kingdom. I would be the furthest from His glory that a saint could get and still be in heaven.
When I woke up, I was in a full panic. I didn’t waste any time writing down all of the information that I was trying so desperately to give Bill in the dream. I even wrote a little Last Wishes statement–just in case I didn’t make it to work. Now, of course, I feel a little foolish–but I still have to drive home today.
The dream itself sounds silly and surreal, but it must have hit some pretty sensitive points in my emotions. I was literally afraid to leave the house this morning. I’ve been weepy since I woke up. I had no idea I’ve been this afraid of dying–and afraid of judgment. It’s clear to me that I don’t have peace about eternity. Why is that? I need God to reveal some truth to me about all this. I think I’m going to spend some time in the Word and prayer the next few days.