I is for Insanity.
Yes, the secret is out. I am insane. By definition, insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.
The last few nights I’ve been having nightmares. I often have vivid dreams, and when I’m stressed the dreams respond in kind. Last night I dreamt there was a huge crawly thing skittering across my wall over my head. I woke up on the other side of the room staring wildly up at an empty wall with my hand gripping the doorknob.
It took me almost 5 hours to recover from that. I couldn’t lay down for a few seconds but to have my mind tormented. I was convinced demons were crawling all over the room. At one point I closed my eyes and immediately saw, in my mind, a well-dressed man walk through the bedroom door. I was convinced it was Satan. It scared me so badly I started praying in tongues and claiming the blood of Jesus over the entire house. That didn’t really ease me, so I ended up in the living room (once I was able to pry my fingers off the bed post) watching a movie until my husband literally dragged me back to bed.
So, getting back to the topic of insanity…not only do I feel I’m teetering on the edge of it this morning, but I realize my behaviors are insane in themselves because I deal with the stress in my life the same way every time, and it results in these nightmares. Instead of burying myself in the Lord, my protector and my strength, I bury myself in fantasy. Notice how I escaped into a movie after a few seconds of prayer? Well, that’s my normal MO. Before the movie I spent several hours cruising the information superhighway for less than righteous content.
My husband and others assure me that I can’t control my dreams. Well, I disagree. I can control what goes into my brain during waking hours. I can control how I behave, and how I respond to stress. Or, at least I can in theory. In practice I feel pretty helpless. I think I’ve let myself get away with far too much. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as “dabbling” in this activity or that activity. Everything I do affects everything I do.
The answer is not redoubling my efforts to control myself, or making hollow promises that I’ll never indulge myself again. I am strong in escaping into fantasy, but weak in escaping into the Lord. The answer is surrender. God is my help in times of trouble, not Robert Redford. So sorry Mr. Redford, you’re gonna have to take a backseat to the Almighty.