Little Birdie

Ever just wake up one morning in a bad mood? No apparent reason, just…grouchy. My husband would call it pissing in your own cornflakes. How poetic.

Well, it’s one of those days. With my personality though, it’s dangerous because I start to analyze why I feel the way I do, and I either blame myself or someone else, and get more depressed. It becomes a vicious cycle. Soon I’ll start feeling like I deserve to have the problems I have, that it’s my fault my life isn’t perfect, and I can’t do anything about it.

Isn’t it nice how I know in my mind how I will react to things, yet I seem helpless under my own willpower to jerk myself out of it?

The only thing that can interrupt the cycle is the Word. Did you know that there are 102 verses in the Bible dealing with deliverance? Psalm 18:2 says “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” The Lord himself brings deliverance to those who take refuge in him.

Now I just have to remember to do that.

I’m a big fan of discovering more about myself and my loved ones (or even barely-known acquaintances, for that matter). I take personality tests all the time and highly encourage everyone I know to do the same.

The most recent test I took can be found here: it’s an inkblot test. I’ve never taken one before, but it’s pretty interesting.
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All the descriptions of my personality type include words like unique, creative, and artistic to describe the way a lot of 4’s dress. Until recently, I haven’t really felt that way about myself and it’s been kind of a condemning thing for me. Why can’t I express myself in the way I dress? Why do I always feel the need to blend in, hide, and become as insignificant as possible?

Well, I’m happy to report, that’s not really true anymore! I’ve noticed over the past year or so that I have branched out considerably in the colors I wear. I used to be very conservative and always wear shades of neutral or black, and hardly any jewelry. That started to change last year when God began healing me and drawing the real me out. I still hesitate in the style of clothes I wear, and I love jeans more than anything, but now my jeans have sequins or rhinestones and embroidery on them. My shirts are bright and bold. My jewelry is big and loud. I wear purple eyeliner and I have red streaks in my hair (that need to be re-done). I have discovered that orange is my favorite color…and not that peachy quiet orange either. I like contrasts, and I like colors that pop.

I like the un-stifled me. Not that there’s more in there wanting to get out, but God is slowly leading me and always working in me

The Lord has uncovered a little more of my stupid pride. I have been asking God and wondering why it is I’m so unmotivated to practice my music. Today I learned that there are at least two reasons.

First, I continually struggle with always wanting to be in the spotlight, always wanting the attention for myself. Since I know that’s wrong, I’d rather not pick up my guitar at all. That way I’ll never be good enough to become a big star. I don’t want to be complimented because it swells my ego too much. I can’t take compliments because I know in my heart I hold them too dear and I don’t cast my crowns before the Lord. That particular problem extends to all areas in my life.

The second reason kind of stems from that. I know I can’t be the best on the planet, so I don’t want to work at being the best I can be. That’s perfectionism and it’s also wrong.

Both reasons stem from pride. God I hate it. But I know that I can be delivered. In my spirit, I want to excel at music so I can worship God. In my heart, I want to others to worship ME. But should I continue to shun my musical ability that God put in me because I am afraid that my pride will taint it? Or should I press through, pick up my music, and war against myself that way? If I can continually have the truth in my face, that God GAVE me this talent, that it has nothing to do with me, and He put it in me for HIS purpose, maybe I’ll be able to pick up my music again.

I think I have to stop reading Dilbert. I read it almost every day, and lately it’s been making me angry. Today I figured out why…it’s because I TOTALLY RELATE to him. And instead of being a comfort, it gives me a sense of complete hopelessness that things are never going to change for me.

I need a comic that appeals to my dry and sarcastic sense of humor and still gives me hope for the future. Any suggestions?

Since I couldn’t quite let myself chop all my hair off and dye it magenta so I’d look like a pixie, I did the next best thing….red highlights. Yep, I’m red. Pics coming soon.

I did this once in college when I was first feeling the need to express who I felt I was inside. I got a few friends to do it with me. I went strawberry blonde, one of those 21-day rinse out jobs….and it lasted 6 months. My grandmother mistook me for my mother’s first cousin Ann. It was an interesting experience.

This time I didn’t do the full-blown job. I didn’t really want my whole head to be red. Just some streaks that I thought said “hey, I’m in here somewhere.” I wanted to take an entire chunk and dye it bright bright magenta, but deep down I didn’t want to draw that kind of attention to myself.

Part of the 4 in me always screams out for attention, but when I get it, I don’t want it. My friend hit the nail on the head tonight when she said the reason I don’t want to draw attention to myself is because I don’t like the way I look. It’s true. I’m still fat, I’m still insecure, yet I yearn for people to take notice of my unique-ness. It’s weird. Pay attention to me leave me alone.

Does that make me emo? Maybe I should have dyed my hair magenta with a big black streak in it instead…

1. I wish flowy hippie shirts looked good on me.
2. I wish I could get away with chopping all my hair off and dying it magenta.
3. I wish I could sing, write, and dance like a hip-hop artist.
4. I wish I could draw.
5. I wish I could travel through time back to when all the people I love were young, just to see what they were like.
6. I wish I could run a marathon.
7. I wish I had good taste in home decor.
8. I wish I could teleport.
9. I wish I could fly.
10. I wish my innards would quit mistaking themselves as a fart factory.

Yeah, I’m pretty selfish. No world peace or stopping global warming, hunger, and poverty or healing the sick for me. It’s not that I don’t want those things, it’s that I’m absolutely certain those things will happen on their own because God made provision through Jesus. And no, that’s not a cop-out that we shouldn’t do everything we can to improve those conditions while we’re waiting for Him. It’s called good stewardship.

Actually, I believe that Jesus could teleport too. Check it out:

John 6:19-21

When they had rowed three or three and a half miles,[a] they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. But he said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

See, and not just himself–the ENTIRE BOAT. Of course there was no record of the accompanying sound-effect - BAMF! - but I secretly believe it made that sound.

Hmm…if Jesus could teleport, and I’m in him, and he’s in me….

If y’all see me at church tomorrow without a car you’ll know what happened. If my head is on backwards, call 911.

I love MySpace. It’s completely addictive. You can get lost in MySpace. You can get found. People that you haven’t seen for years and years that you barely ever knew are now your “friends”. You can be friends with Mary J. Blige. Where else can you be friends with Mary J?!?

I use MySpace mostly to reflect my latest mood. If you check out my current layout, it’s rather dark. My last layout was bright and in-your-face. I love how there’s ALREADY a layout somewhere on the wide web that expresses exactly the way I feel. Someone even made an icon collage that is the essence of my interests and feelings. How did they know?!?

I’ll tell you how. People are predictable. I mean, people generally fit into 1 of 9 different personalities. NINE. There are more than 6 billion people in the world, and they can be grouped one of nine ways. Of course complexity exists within a personality type: each has 3 subcategories, and some people exhibit strong characteristics of 2 personalities. Like, I am a 4 (emo), but I have a 5-wing, meaning I am also highly analytical. So I can analyze my mood swings almost as quickly as they happen. It’s very entertaining.

…And, after an hour of fruitlessly trying to end my blog with a witty vid from YouTube, and failing miserably, I bid you all good night.